Not being a package.

Invariably a young writer is told to write about what he knows best. Unfortunately I am not a writer and with every passing day the things I do are less and less easily excused based on the idea that I am "young". Let's pretend for a second.

When the young writer, myself, writes, the first and second and sometimes third draft always sound preachy. It becomes very easy for me to write from a pulpit that only I stand on. I'm like a priest in mass except I have no one in the congregation. The experience is akin to talking to oneself, even better and my personal favorite is when I bet on something with myself. Self-preservation at its finest.

I was told to write about myself. The directive did not come from a teacher, or my parents or some writing mentor. My novel will never come though I've considered exploring the male-female relationship. Singular. I am a firm believer that people are more cyclical than history and I want to write something real. Not a half-veiled truth disguised as a self-help group but the absurdity of human behavior. Empirical of course. It is too easy in the setting I find myself in: a social experiment.

Three paragraphs in and I'm still avoiding the subject. I will admit to hating asking for help. It makes me vulnerable, human even. It makes the person I am have a different ethos. I'm no longer the big guy always cracking jokes and making people smile but I'm the sick, brooding friend who must be "handled with care". The way you are asked "How are you" changes from a passing and rote statement to a heartfelt sentiment complete with eyes ready to tear up for you. The dynamics have changed and now whenever I'm out they'll be on the lookout for my mood, for my drink, for my interactions. God forbid I flirt with a girl and let my self-esteem ride on just that.

The truth is that what would help the most is the one thing they can't bring themselves to do. I don't need someone to tell me things will be ok. They will, I know, the alternative exists on a long enough timeline but is not an alternative. I need my friends to act normal. To treat me the same way they treated me before when fun and happy D was always kickin' it.

I'm not confrontational though. I could never tell them anything. So instead I'm relegated to writing about this on a blog as if I were a kid full of teenage angst. And that's not even an excuse anymore.

I wish I was off doing greater things, grander things. I want to change the world. If only I knew how.