Fraternally

I always wished for a brother. Not the half pleasant sweethearts intermittently in my life known cryptically as half brothers -- nature, age and a little bit of faith separated us in more ways than simply geography could.

One married a swede she met online.
Another studied engineering. Traveled (not went) to india and came back to doggedly become a doctor. Now he specializes in physical rehap for olympic athletes.
The last - but oldest - and hence the farthest, lived in the same city I did.

I used to wish to know them better. I wanted one of my own, not someone to keep me company but someone to play daredevil with. To solemnly swear I was up to no good was my only request. I wanted someone who could play me in one-on-one without heigh being much of an issue. If he was slightly older he would beat me to 21 every time until I outstripped him in our mutual search for height. We would be able to signal to each other when our parents were being illogical and blame each other for whatever was required.

This I explained to my parents who would smile and patiently explain to me that this was not possible. That this, request, of mine was not as simple as it appeared. There was more to it than just sex (though in all fairness my young mind conveniently took leaps of faith in an effort to ignore the question of where do baby's come from).

When my father's mother passed I saw chaos. Though emotionally my father is a calm and articulate man, what truly tore at him wasn't my grandma's forgetful memory in her twilight, it wasn't the extinguishing candle on her full life - it was his brothers and sisters.

I note: I don't speak from personal experience.

His brothers and sisters. Shared background growing up in the outskirts of rural mexico with little more than my fathers car, a small house and their wits. This ragtag group somehow climbed the mexican prosperity ladder and stayed where it most pleased them. Some in the same little town - el llano en llamas - where the prairies are dedicated to the planting of chilis that make the whole place seem alight with fire at sundown and some made it to a seven figure city where the standard of living is "higher" but a doctors coat still speaks god.

There was a struggle.

And now with new empirical evidence I still struggle to resolve what I would have liked and would I have changed anything. It's all up to me now, that's the scary part.