States of mind have been in my thoughts. Exploring the subconscious reactions of our brains. I'm sure that a quick google search and a slight in-depth analysis of one of those how-to books at barnes and noble would quickly tell me whether a protective reaction in a time of danger is either voluntary (the brain) or involuntary (the heart though scientists might disagree and burst my romantic bubble and call it nerves).
I had a great weekend involving single letter hostels, unions of squares (think of the quadratic venn diagram) and socarrat. That sweet tasting slightly burnt rice at the bottom of a paella pan. The 7 flavored rice that is my favorite spanish gets an eight when it clings to the blackened metal. There was also a gray, or blue dog and a hotel that aspires to be a ship in the sea of hipster.
But enough of this.
I've entered a business transaction. One without dollar signs on it but certainly a lot of hope. The kind that sparks from beginning an uncertain enterprise with no real visibility into success.
My older brother, not political, or unlawful or blood but my older brother nonetheless is part of a higher education now. An elite group of people I some day hope to join. He said that love is not a feeling but a decision. That "being in love" is a rush of hormones that actually disappears. You need to decide to love someone.
A priest told him that.
Two things. My body obviously doesn't function like their scientific studies. I don't know how much behavior we can scientifically define when talking not about reactions, or patterns but the subtle subjects we call emotions.
Originated in the brain. We still point to our heart.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
J(a)une
That's roughly six months from now though anyone who knows me knows that the order of the months of the year is of little consequence to me. To me it is sufficient to know that from our limited perspective time flows mono-directionally.
I think that's what Kerouac and Eggers are trying to tell us.
Come June I'll be in a new city struggling to keep the friends I've left (once again) and juggling the big city that did its best on me last summer. I didn't feel squished. I felt energized and invigorated by such a large city in such a small place. By a city with a strong personality and unique character that carries it's B.O. and leaky, oozing wounds with pride.
There's a new priest in my local church.
Today he warned us to be alert. The book he teaches tells of a parable in the form of a rhetorical question. Do you think that the master of the house, had he known the time his house was going to be broken into, would not have stayed up during that hour to defend his house?
Though normally I attend for the white noise - and the entrance ticket is free - today I was reminded of something.
Six months from now certain things will inevitably change. I'm not looking at life mono-directionally for however many years I have left (and the question of whether or not thats 1 or 70 is absolutely terrifying though my genes indicate statistical longevity). From now on I'm parsing it in manageable bites - a practice I'm adopting for my eating habits as well.
The human body is capable of impressive things. Adaptability. As long as we don't get in our way.
I think that's what Kerouac and Eggers are trying to tell us.
Come June I'll be in a new city struggling to keep the friends I've left (once again) and juggling the big city that did its best on me last summer. I didn't feel squished. I felt energized and invigorated by such a large city in such a small place. By a city with a strong personality and unique character that carries it's B.O. and leaky, oozing wounds with pride.
There's a new priest in my local church.
Today he warned us to be alert. The book he teaches tells of a parable in the form of a rhetorical question. Do you think that the master of the house, had he known the time his house was going to be broken into, would not have stayed up during that hour to defend his house?
Though normally I attend for the white noise - and the entrance ticket is free - today I was reminded of something.
Six months from now certain things will inevitably change. I'm not looking at life mono-directionally for however many years I have left (and the question of whether or not thats 1 or 70 is absolutely terrifying though my genes indicate statistical longevity). From now on I'm parsing it in manageable bites - a practice I'm adopting for my eating habits as well.
The human body is capable of impressive things. Adaptability. As long as we don't get in our way.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Fraternally
I always wished for a brother. Not the half pleasant sweethearts intermittently in my life known cryptically as half brothers -- nature, age and a little bit of faith separated us in more ways than simply geography could.
One married a swede she met online.
Another studied engineering. Traveled (not went) to india and came back to doggedly become a doctor. Now he specializes in physical rehap for olympic athletes.
The last - but oldest - and hence the farthest, lived in the same city I did.
I used to wish to know them better. I wanted one of my own, not someone to keep me company but someone to play daredevil with. To solemnly swear I was up to no good was my only request. I wanted someone who could play me in one-on-one without heigh being much of an issue. If he was slightly older he would beat me to 21 every time until I outstripped him in our mutual search for height. We would be able to signal to each other when our parents were being illogical and blame each other for whatever was required.
This I explained to my parents who would smile and patiently explain to me that this was not possible. That this, request, of mine was not as simple as it appeared. There was more to it than just sex (though in all fairness my young mind conveniently took leaps of faith in an effort to ignore the question of where do baby's come from).
When my father's mother passed I saw chaos. Though emotionally my father is a calm and articulate man, what truly tore at him wasn't my grandma's forgetful memory in her twilight, it wasn't the extinguishing candle on her full life - it was his brothers and sisters.
I note: I don't speak from personal experience.
His brothers and sisters. Shared background growing up in the outskirts of rural mexico with little more than my fathers car, a small house and their wits. This ragtag group somehow climbed the mexican prosperity ladder and stayed where it most pleased them. Some in the same little town - el llano en llamas - where the prairies are dedicated to the planting of chilis that make the whole place seem alight with fire at sundown and some made it to a seven figure city where the standard of living is "higher" but a doctors coat still speaks god.
There was a struggle.
And now with new empirical evidence I still struggle to resolve what I would have liked and would I have changed anything. It's all up to me now, that's the scary part.
One married a swede she met online.
Another studied engineering. Traveled (not went) to india and came back to doggedly become a doctor. Now he specializes in physical rehap for olympic athletes.
The last - but oldest - and hence the farthest, lived in the same city I did.
I used to wish to know them better. I wanted one of my own, not someone to keep me company but someone to play daredevil with. To solemnly swear I was up to no good was my only request. I wanted someone who could play me in one-on-one without heigh being much of an issue. If he was slightly older he would beat me to 21 every time until I outstripped him in our mutual search for height. We would be able to signal to each other when our parents were being illogical and blame each other for whatever was required.
This I explained to my parents who would smile and patiently explain to me that this was not possible. That this, request, of mine was not as simple as it appeared. There was more to it than just sex (though in all fairness my young mind conveniently took leaps of faith in an effort to ignore the question of where do baby's come from).
When my father's mother passed I saw chaos. Though emotionally my father is a calm and articulate man, what truly tore at him wasn't my grandma's forgetful memory in her twilight, it wasn't the extinguishing candle on her full life - it was his brothers and sisters.
I note: I don't speak from personal experience.
His brothers and sisters. Shared background growing up in the outskirts of rural mexico with little more than my fathers car, a small house and their wits. This ragtag group somehow climbed the mexican prosperity ladder and stayed where it most pleased them. Some in the same little town - el llano en llamas - where the prairies are dedicated to the planting of chilis that make the whole place seem alight with fire at sundown and some made it to a seven figure city where the standard of living is "higher" but a doctors coat still speaks god.
There was a struggle.
And now with new empirical evidence I still struggle to resolve what I would have liked and would I have changed anything. It's all up to me now, that's the scary part.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Calendar Year
Inspired by the sophomoric endings brought to light by more senior visions of the future. I'm grateful for the lack of junior at the end of my name nowadays.
I was hoping to avoid metaphors but without them I'm left standing on my own behind nothing but a third wall.
What follows are a consolidated statement of accounts as of Dec. 31. 2009 in which the company saw a new vision of the world - the economic downturn and the events that led up to it have forced to reassess our primary focus and planing. We are now a stronger firm because of it and we are confident that with the help of our dedicated board members, stockholders and the cooperation of the "rational" markets we will achieve an explosive growth once again.
Begin with a divestiture. A forced one to boot - one of those situations where union reps tell the management that trust is lost. Management fires the union, picks up shop and heads to a downtown bar with a group of friends and strangers and drowns in Jose.
The CEO finds himself at a company rally at his house surrounded by his peers and friends. The wine (Milwaukee's finest) has been flowing like water out of a fire hydrant and as the leader, he's been trying to mop it up. One of his friends is doing laundry and holding a bottle that were he to be blind and have a difficult time distinguishing shapes and weights and sizes, one might confuse for a bottle. He drinks. His mouth is clean. Tide (Home expressions) is really too strong a drink. A minor panic attack later a girl asks him why he tastes like laundry detergent.
He asks for gum.
1030 am and a full day of work ahead begins. A quick visit to the Russia office, he's on the Concorde to the Caribbean. Rum-ba dancing and all that Jazz he is on a College campus for a speech. The Russians followed him and they brought his family (Tequila - the drink not the town) with them. A quick sip of orange juice - for the vitamin C - and cranberry - to clean the prostate - and the day keeps going. His shirt has changed colors but it's not his doing. The paramedics tackle him after his escape. The music pounds in sync with his fist and people cheer him on. 5 hours later, dehydration gone and his mack is on.
He spends the night alone in a sweet dance of cold sweats, dizziness, fainting and nausea.
You'd think he had enough.
Enter the iceberg stage left. He crashes. She pulls him down with threats and emotional blackmail Tony Sopranos' mother would be proud of. There's physical distance between them but only the nightly nightcap with his colleagues (soledad y verdad) help the 8 hour flight between here and requiem.
2010
Benjamin Button-like rebirth - minus the creepy psychological and sexual derivations.
I was hoping to avoid metaphors but without them I'm left standing on my own behind nothing but a third wall.
What follows are a consolidated statement of accounts as of Dec. 31. 2009 in which the company saw a new vision of the world - the economic downturn and the events that led up to it have forced to reassess our primary focus and planing. We are now a stronger firm because of it and we are confident that with the help of our dedicated board members, stockholders and the cooperation of the "rational" markets we will achieve an explosive growth once again.
Begin with a divestiture. A forced one to boot - one of those situations where union reps tell the management that trust is lost. Management fires the union, picks up shop and heads to a downtown bar with a group of friends and strangers and drowns in Jose.
The CEO finds himself at a company rally at his house surrounded by his peers and friends. The wine (Milwaukee's finest) has been flowing like water out of a fire hydrant and as the leader, he's been trying to mop it up. One of his friends is doing laundry and holding a bottle that were he to be blind and have a difficult time distinguishing shapes and weights and sizes, one might confuse for a bottle. He drinks. His mouth is clean. Tide (Home expressions) is really too strong a drink. A minor panic attack later a girl asks him why he tastes like laundry detergent.
He asks for gum.
1030 am and a full day of work ahead begins. A quick visit to the Russia office, he's on the Concorde to the Caribbean. Rum-ba dancing and all that Jazz he is on a College campus for a speech. The Russians followed him and they brought his family (Tequila - the drink not the town) with them. A quick sip of orange juice - for the vitamin C - and cranberry - to clean the prostate - and the day keeps going. His shirt has changed colors but it's not his doing. The paramedics tackle him after his escape. The music pounds in sync with his fist and people cheer him on. 5 hours later, dehydration gone and his mack is on.
He spends the night alone in a sweet dance of cold sweats, dizziness, fainting and nausea.
You'd think he had enough.
Enter the iceberg stage left. He crashes. She pulls him down with threats and emotional blackmail Tony Sopranos' mother would be proud of. There's physical distance between them but only the nightly nightcap with his colleagues (soledad y verdad) help the 8 hour flight between here and requiem.
2010
Benjamin Button-like rebirth - minus the creepy psychological and sexual derivations.
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